like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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