apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Randomize
