Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
