I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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