she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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