She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
