If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Randomize