Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
