A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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