Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
