Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
