Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
