walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
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