I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
