She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
