I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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