She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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