I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
