you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
