dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Semen is not good for contacts.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
