Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
