dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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