I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
