I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
