I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
