I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
