Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
