Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
