My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
