I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
