Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
