Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize