just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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