dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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