How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
