I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
