I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
