Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
