we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
