a queef is a wish your heart makes.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
