im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
