SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
