So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You ate ashes out of my bong
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
