We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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