i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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