I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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