i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
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