Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
