So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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