her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize