My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
