I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
