Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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