whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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