Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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