I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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