if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
