No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize