I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
