Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
